Boy have I got a sleazy side hustle opportunity for you. Come ye, come all, fellow ambulance chasers. We can all make some side income and sue our way to wealth by participating in and receiving class action lawsuit settlements

The judicial system is fraught with frivolous lawsuits and time-wasting exercises. I got roped into one such frivolous case and found my own justice by expressing my disdain for the entire process (seriously though juror pay is laughably low). But where there’s inefficiency, there’s opportunity. In other words: if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

Where to find class action lawsuits?

Despite my recently discovered abhorrence for the litigious nature of our society, I have on occasion joined the fight against the corporate fat cats by piling onto a couple class action lawsuits that have been loosely applicable to me. The vehicle I’ve chosen to chase down these ambulances has been the Top Class Actions website, which is doing it’s part in “helping right consumer wrongs.”

One consumer wrong I helped right resulted in a case against Chipotle for allegedly advertising their food as “non-GMO.” The burrito-joint agreed to pay $6.5 million to resolve these allegations. Here’s a look at the requirements for participating in this particular lawsuit:

Who’s Eligible

Consumers who purchased food or beverages containing meat and/or dairy ingredients from Chipotle between April 27, 2015 and June 30, 2016.

Potential Award: Up to $2 per meal.

With proof of purchase, 10 meals can be claimed for a maximum payment of $20. Without proof of purchase, only five meals can be claimed for a maximum payment of $10. Each household is able to claim up to 15 meals total, for a maximum payment of $30.

Proof of Purchase

Receipts of Chipotle purchases during the specified time period.

Fortunately and unfortunately for me, I used to eat way too much fast food. With credit card statements at the ready, I was able to claim the maximum payment of $20.

In another case, McCormick was accused of filling their black pepper tins to 75% capacity. I did not have proof of purchase since I don’t keep physical receipts from the grocery store, but was still able to claim my $4 for these allegations of “slack-filling” containers. I’m not mad, McCormick. Just disappointed.

The moral question

Look, I might not be getting an A in Ethics class for this behavior, but I’m not exactly lying either. I did in fact purchase the products in question. It is possible that I may not have known or cared that I was getting shortchanged a few grains of pepper, but my own ignorance is no excuse to simply lie down and allow myself to be peppered with daily injustice.

Maybe, had I been paid more for my time as a juror, I wouldn’t feel compelled to take part in gumming up the system myself. Either way, I won’t let a small question of morality interfere with a good money making opportunity. Should you choose to gum up the system along with me, it might be worth your time to poke around the Top Class Action website to see if a product you’ve purchased has drawn the ire of a pandemic-weary consumer.

Playing the really long game

In one relatively famous case, you may recall the Equifax data breach that drew national attention and received massive amounts of social media coverage. Nearly 150 million people were affected and thus entitled, initially, to $125 for Equifax’s error. In 2017, a collective effort similar in scale and vigor to the Wall Streets Bets movement took place, making a strong push to ensure Equifax didn’t “get away with it,” and imploring those impacted (which again, was pretty much everyone in the country) to claim their $125. As with anything involving the mishandling of personal information, it became the rare class action suit in which the victims were more than just fake mad and looking for easy cash.

Fast forward to today, and the Equifax lawsuit is still in play. However the payment of $125 will be “significantly less” due to the overwhelming response to the case. This data breach, which occurred in 2017, will likely not be settled in courts for a few more years. But one day in the future, a bunch of people are going to get “significantly less than $125” in the mail for reasons they scarcely remember, and it’s going to be awesome.

When will you receive your class action settlement?

So, when will I receive my own collective $24 windfall from Chipotle and McCormick? Well, here it gets a little complicated. Similar to the Equifax saga, these cases are litigated and relitigated and appealed and extended and delayed and whatever other tomfoolery takes place in judicial system. It could take years before you see the big $10-20 payday you crave, so the juice might not always be worth the squeeze. But in this case, the squeeze requires very minimal effort. Plus, if some of that juice squirts into your eye, you may well be able to sue the pants off the lemon company, too.

So if you’re looking for a new side hustle and don’t mind getting in the mud a bit, join me in sticking it to The Man and earning a small stipend from the small grievances you didn’t even know you held.