Here’s a hot take for you: I hate going to the dentist. For all of the good it does—the medical advancements of which are nothing short of miraculous—a trip to the dentist still rattles me to my molars.

But even the most rabid Anti-Dentites among us recognize the importance of dental hygiene—both physically and financially. Skipping appointments can be a costly venture on the road to dentures.

Don’t Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

While I didn’t grow up dirt poor, my family certainly didn’t live too far above the soil. Back before the days of sugar taxes, we tended to pass the time sucking down full strength Dewskis and consulting with our resident Doc Pepper. Turns out, there’s a term for this habitually ignorant soda consumption, but let me couch it, as it comes from pre-political J.D. Vance’s Hillbilly Elegy: Mountain Dew Mouth. I dollar-cost-averaged the shit out of frequent five-for-$10 deals for 12-packs of soda which, as most great investments do, is now paying dividends thanks to the benefit of a long-term time horizon. I call it compound dentistry.

After moving away from my hometown dentist and taking my sweet-tooth time finding a new one, I was met with extraordinary out-of-pocket costs to fill cavities and restore my pearly off-whites. With the sticker shock of adulthood oral care, one would think I proceeded to form a strict regimen to eradicate the toothache of yore. One would think.

Ten out of 10 Dentists Recommend

My first visit to the dentist in several years left my looking like I had just gone 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. I might as well have been bleeding money out of my swollen gums. In subsequent visits, I had to replace a few fillings, add a few new ones, and even upgrade to a crown—which, unbeknownst to me at the time, requires the shaving off of an actual tooth in order to fit a nice little pretend tooth hat on top of the remnants.  

Even with a childhood 12-pack-a-day habit (give or take), much of this unpleasantness could have been avoided, but no amount of habit-stacking could get me on a regular floss schedule. Fortunately, a bad brusher can always blame his tools, and I’ve seen some improvements since upgrading my equipment at the behest of the hygienist.

One of the better investments I’ve made recently, second only to automated VTSAX purchases, is that of a good electric toothbrush. Out of necessity, I’ve been introduced to an entirely new line of products in an effort to stave off wooden teeth. Here, I present to you, my new Cavity Armada (Amazon Affiliate links provided to help take a bite out of my own dental bills–past, present and future):

• Philips Sonicare electric toothbrush – very affordable and highly recommended  
• Waterpik water flosser – TMI, but go ahead and habit stack this with your morning shower (not a substitute for flossing, but a great way to massage the gums and firehose some potential cavities)
• Grin double floss pick – while inferior to good ole fashioned flossing, this “better than nothing” alternative has the knack for delivering some surprise leftovers
• Dr. Tung’s smart floss – forgiving and effective brand that makes its competitors feel like grinding chicken wire between your teeth

The Personal Finance of Flossing

The root of the issue is that personal finance is a lot like flossing. You have to build a habit of taking care of the two things you open the most–your mouth and your wallet. It takes time, and it might take some bleeding, but you simply have to stick with it. And, as in finance, the earlier the better. The best time to start flossing was 10 years ago. The second best time is now.

Most dental insurance plans cover two cleanings per year at minimum, so there’s no excuse not to take advantage of your employer benefits and get those pearly yellows cleaned while it doesn’t cost you any green.

Take care of your teeth or you WILL put your money where your mouth is.

And with that, play us out, Bleeding Gums Murphy!