I recently found myself at a cash only bar, ready to enjoy myself a non-alchy beer or two, but without a greenback on me. As there was no Chase Bank in this largely residential neighborhood, I had no choice but to hit the 1980s style ATM in the corner of the bar. When I whipped out my debit card to withdraw some cash, I noticed that this particular ATM carried a few of $3.50. Annoying, but that was my price to pay for the poor planning. In the world of Square pay and blockchain technology, those cockroach ATM fees somehow persist as a relic to a simpler time. I tend to begrudgingly accept the consequence of the $3.50 “convenience” fee, but the Non-Chase ATM fee that comes later? That’s a bridge too far for me.

I have never been able to accept this additional $2.50 charge that Chase bank bestows upon me. It had been so long since I’d used a non-Chase ATM—because I force myself not to pay the stupidest of stupid fees in all of feeland—that I had forgotten entirely about these bonus $2.50 Non-Chase ATM fees.

Ruining Customer Relations, $2.50 at a time

Mitch Hedburg says that wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day. Incurring additional $2.50 ATM fees is sort of like that. They are so small and so insignificant as to be barely perceptible. Especially if you only encounter them a handful of times a year. But after years of accumulating these sporadic fees, the really weak dude starts to hinder your breathing ever so slightly. Not enough to stop you from getting oxygen to your lungs, but enough to make you stop and think about the rhythm of your breaths. Enough to notice the abnormality of the occurrence.

Because of that, one can rightly conclude that the only true purpose of these $2.50 fees is to piss off an otherwise loyal customer base a handful of times a year. That’s just good business. Annoy the customer at every opportunity.

In The Simple Path to Wealth, JL Collins speaks of the importance of saving to collect F-You money that affords you flexibility in your life decisions. For Chase, it’s important to tack on F-You fees, lest the customer get too comfortable with committing atrocities such as withdrawing their own money at the only ATM within jogging distance.

Non-Chase ATM fees shall never be waived   

Being a personal finance snob, and kind of an asshole, I finally decided I was fed up with these $2.50 non-Chase ATM fees. Plenty of banks go about their business without needlessly penalizing their customers for simply trying to contribute to the recovering American economy. In fact at many banks, far from incurring additional penalties, customers are granted a handful of transactions each year in which their ATM fees are reimbursed rather than compounded.

Surely J.P. Morgan Chase would understand and forgive a long time customer for their immediate need for cash (and booze) and waive this F-You Fee.

I tried to call and reverse this charge, and was met with a resistance often found with powerless customer service reps who have no skin in the game. After that failed, I did what any modern citizen in my position would do: I slid into the social media DMs. My Chase Support rep on Twitter was responsive but largely unhelpful, other than to point me to their checking accounts that charge an annual fee themselves. Clearly, the answer to my disdain for fees was to pay larger, more regularly scheduled fees. As I was told, Non-Chase ATM fees are not eligible for a courtesy reversal.

The Chase Premier Plus Checking does not charge this fee for the first four non-Chase ATM transactions each statement period, but requires an average beginning day balance of $15,000 (more than I want in my checking account) or a mortgage in order to waive the $25 monthly fee. The Chase Sapphire Checking never charges a non-Chase ATM fee, but requires a $75,000 balance. Also slightly more than I want to keep in checking.

Alternative checking account options

This most recent experience convinced me to finally move my checking account. I’ve been a Chase customer for over a decade–and in fact have multiple credit cards through them. I will continue to hold their cards, as the Ultimate Rewards program is one of the best out there. But as for my checking account, simply put, Chase was unwillingness to meet my $2.50 asking price.

Ramit Sethi highly recommends Charles Schwab’s checking account in his book, I Will Teach You To Be Rich, so I’ll start there. To be fair, he does list Chase in his list of best checking accounts. For the most part, I’d agree. But for these $2.50 F-You Fees.

Chase likely makes millions of dollars per year on these ridiculous additional non-Chase ATM fees. But is it really worth the angst it causes in customers? Not to mention a scathing review from an obscure personal finance blog? Yeah, probably. Like I said, they make millions per year on them. But in the rare event that customer retention is a priority, it seems like a losing long-term proposition for the massive corporation.