Here’s an interesting debate: Should the United States replace the historical figures currently on its currency? To answer that question, I’ll first need to remember who is on the currency to begin with.

The digitization of everything has rapidly accelerated over the last year, from collectibles to currency and beyond. While we’ve been trending toward a cashless society since the dawn of credit cards, the bull run of the cryptocurrency has thrown another virtual wrench into the way we think about money. Given this, I thought I’d help myself fight some FOMO by appreciating the asset that hasn’t appreciated at the same rate as its digital counterpart: good ole American dollars. More specifically, I thought it worth taking a quick look at which historical figures are on United States currency and whether or not their presence on these bills is merited by the social standards of our times.

Which historical figures should the United States replace on its currency?

As we all learn to further examine the dark side of American history, we must grapple with the fact that many of the significant figures in the development and prosperity of our nation were, in retrospect, not worthy of further accolades. At the very least, they are people who committed reprehensible acts by our modern standards, namely owning other people as property. While we can’t get a mulligan on our country’s early ideas on slavery, we can have a discussion about how we choose to celebrate the legacy of those forefathers who participated in it.  

Over the years, we’ve come to find out that the unsmiling figure on the $1 bill was merely hiding his stolen slave teeth, while the figure on the $2 bill did little to hide the slaves that he owned but made some efforts to hide his relationship to them. Andrew Jackson ($20) and Ulysses Grant ($50) also fell into the category of slaveowners at one time in their lives. While this distinction, though regrettably prevalent at the time, doesn’t erase their respective places in history, it should at the least eliminate them from contention for extracurricular honors. Honors such as inclusion on our currency.

It’s hard to imagine now just how ingrained in society the act of slave ownership was, and George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were among the thousands engaging in this practice. Would Washington and Jefferson own slaves if they were alive today? Of course not. But they aren’t, and they did, and we should ridicule them rather than reward them for it. It’s the ultimate historical @OldTakesExposed.  

We needn’t erase American history, but we ought to properly acknowledge it. So let’s take a quick look at the historical figures that appear on our paper money, with some random suggestions as to who should take their place.

$1 – George Washington, 1^st President

Possible replacement: Salmon P. Chase, 6^th Chief Justice. Don’t think we should replace the original $1 bill? Good, me neither, let’s give it back to the guy who had it first: Salmon Chase back in 1862.  

VERDICT: REPLACE

$2 – Thomas Jefferson, 3^rd President

Possible replacement: John Adams, 2^nd President and longtime friend and adversary of Jefferson. I have a long-held Adams bias thanks to David McCullough’s excellent Adams biography.

VERDICT: REPLACE

$5 – Abraham Lincoln, 16^th President

Possible replacement: Maybe the guy on the penny? I can’t quarrel with Lincoln, though some have taken on the fight.

VERDICT: REMAIN

$10 – Alexander Hamilton, 1^st Secretary of Treasury

Possible Replacement: Lin-Manuel Miranda, a more culturally relevant and updated version of Hamilton. Aside from the famed Got Milk? commercial and the recent success of the Broadway show, Hamilton’s contributions to the financial system still merit recognition, though we might have to reconsider this one.

VERDICT: REMAIN, FOR NOW

$20 – Andrew Jackson, 7^th President

Possible Replacement: Harriett Tubman, which seems likely to happen in the next few years, as SNL recently reminded us.

VERDICT: REPLACE

$50 – Ulysses Grant, 18th U.S. President

Possible Replacement – Martin Luther King Jr. Hard to think of a more influential American over the last century.

VERDICT: REPLACE

$100 – Ben Franklin, Statesmen

Possible Replacement – John Bogle, creator of index funds. Let’s honor the Vanguard founder who democratized modern investing and tell Ben Franklin to go fly a kite.  

VERDICT: REPLACE

It’s time for new representatives on United States currency

I’ve included some tongue-in-cheek suggestions here, but in all seriousness, it wouldn’t hurt the United States to update the historical figures who represent our country on our currency. That is, while we still have physical currency.

If you have better ideas, please drop them in the comments. But if you want to take it upon yourself to affix a celebrity of your choosing to a bill in circulation, as with this hatchet job, do so at your own peril. There are statues in place prescribing criminal penalties for anyone who “mutilates, cuts, defaces, disfigures, or perforates, or unites or cements together, or does any other thing” to issued currency, as per this excellent FAQ from the American Bureau of Engraving and Printing. Check out the FAQ to answer any of your other money questions, such as what are U.S. dollars made of (75 percent cotton and 25 percent linen) and why is green ink used on the bills (counterfeit measure that began in the 1860s, birthing the term Greenback).

Now for more important matters: Who should we put on physical Bitcoin?